While, if you were to ever ask anyone that has seen our family dynamic, there would likely be a unanimous perception as to who runs our family (here’s a clue: it’s exactly NOT the oldest person in the family)…
I’ve read some parenting books that suggest that it should be… well… the parents.
While you find yourself bowing to your child’s demands as if they have been through the trenches and taken a bunch of “leadership” workshops, if you can somehow find your dignity and look at the situation objectively, you will actually see that you are actually the parent… and it’s ok (and probably a good idea) to say no.
And stick to it.
I must have read something along those lines at some point and brought it into my patenting style, because I’m not clever enough to have figured it out on my own, but kids do actually respect a consistent voice of authority. It’s not just my kids, either… when my kids’ friends who come from much more lenient parents come over, when I say no (and I always explain myself… it’s never… at least not yet… “because I said so”), the kids recognize that as the end of the conversation and there’s no complaining… they recognize it as simply the way it is. Fast forward a few days and we might be at THEIR house, and a very similar situation comes up, and the parent starts with the “no”, but the kid knows they can have their way, the begging and crazy attitude starts… and its really more painful for everyone involved.
I completely agree with you. Most importantly, I have been in your shoes many times. Kids don’t come with an instruction manual. You learn as you go. Most likely learning by trial and error.
As important as it may be to establish the “authority” or “sheriff” in your household, it is also important to analyze each scenario from all angles. Children need guidance, rules, standards and boundaries. They learn at a very young age how to push those boundaries and manipulate them to their advantage. Prime example is observing the “Good cop, Bad cop” dynamics in both parents. Luna has done this before. She knows that I’m the strict one and Jaime is the one who can be manipulated. Solution? We sat her down, explained that she needs to ask both of us only once and she has to wait for both of us to give her the final and unarguable response. Sometimes the answer is a simple yes or no with no explanation, and sometimes it may require some rational explanation for our final decision.
Something that I noticed with my oldest daughter, is that she always obeyed others immediately. Children usually behave differently around others than they do around their parents. Uncharted territory I guess.
Bottom line….we can only control our own personal domain. Every family has their own way of doing things and their acceptance of certain behaviors that go against our own is going to be frustrating at times. As long as we, as parents, have done the best we can at establishing a clear and effective foundation of what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior and actions that need to be followed at all times, I truly believe that we the upper hand. HOPEFULLY!!!
As I mentioned above, kids don’t come with individualized manuals. One thing I do know….is sometimes we need to say YES when we want to say NO!! I’m sure you have encountered or recognized the conflicting scenario before.